I'm not high today. First time I can say that in almost a week. I have Dos Equis in the fridge at home, and I intend to drink one or two of those tonight. Yes, this is trading one addiction for another, which means no, it is not technically a solution to my substance abuse problems. I like to believe it's a start.
What I am noticing is this: Solving my marijuana problem is not a magical cure for all which ails me. Not even close. I point this out now because I almost definitely failed another Spanish exam today, which means I almost definitely will have to take Spanish II again. I am going to be twenty-one in two months. Sixteen-year-old me didn't envision twenty-one-year-old me struggling his way through Spanish II. Not even close.
I don't know how much of this can be attributed to ganja use. I've missed maybe ten classes this semester, and would say that at least half of those can be blamed, in part or in full, on marijuana. Why assign blame, though? Blame is just a way of avoiding accountability. I've failed a LOT of classes over the last three years. Every single one of those failures, in part or in full, can be blamed on marijuana.
I want to hit the reset button, move away and start somewhere that I'm not already shoehorned into being a user. Unfortunately, I've already done that twice. You can only hit restart so many times before the system breaks.
I want to give up. I want to accept my shitty stoned existence as a server, and I want to focus all my energy on being good at that. Unfortunately, I already know where that path will lead. I will be miserable.
The problem is, I'm sitting on a CAT bus, talking about the hole I've dug for myself. I'm already pretty fucking miserable. When I got off probation, I claimed it wasn't a celebration--it only meant that I was back to where I started from. Clearly, I was wrong. I started out sober. Until I get sober again, I'll always be running behind.
Nov 9, 2009
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