He says he's got purp on line. I want some purp. Keepin' it real.
Oct 23, 2009
softly spoken actions
I hope that, at some point, this becomes a blog about me actually quitting marijuana. I feel like it's becoming a blog where I admit I'm a failed stoner and fantasize about becoming an ex.
I want to be the veteran, mostly. Smart enough not to smoke every day, but smoking often enough to know the culture and associate with those who smoke. I think that means I don't really want to quit, which may be true.
I'm going to stop talking in circles.
I want to be the veteran, mostly. Smart enough not to smoke every day, but smoking often enough to know the culture and associate with those who smoke. I think that means I don't really want to quit, which may be true.
I'm going to stop talking in circles.
you are not enough
(1) I did not finish my stash last night, which means that I smoked weed today. This is a bizarre revelation: Only when I do not have marijuana do I leave the house in pursuit of pleasure.
(2) I don't know how to tell people that I'm not smoking marijuana anymore. I mean, I live with potheads. I live with potheads who expect me to have marijuana to smoke. If I don't have marijuana to smoke, I'm expected to be purchasing some marijuana. Honestly, my life has turned into a get-high-a-thon, where everything is cool as long as there's marijuana to smoke.
My life situation causes my friend base to be very small. Like, microsmall. I could have friends--I believe I'm a likeable person--but I am usually too high to be around people. How sad is that? "Too high to be around people."
Those people I am friends with, I am very close with. Still, I can't help but feel that most of these friendships are predicated on my own marijuana use. I often ask myself if I would still hang out with these people if I didn't smoke marijuana. Truthfully, I have no idea who I'd hang out with if I didn't smoke marijuana.
I feel like this might be because I don't know who I'd be without marijuana.
(2) I don't know how to tell people that I'm not smoking marijuana anymore. I mean, I live with potheads. I live with potheads who expect me to have marijuana to smoke. If I don't have marijuana to smoke, I'm expected to be purchasing some marijuana. Honestly, my life has turned into a get-high-a-thon, where everything is cool as long as there's marijuana to smoke.
My life situation causes my friend base to be very small. Like, microsmall. I could have friends--I believe I'm a likeable person--but I am usually too high to be around people. How sad is that? "Too high to be around people."
Those people I am friends with, I am very close with. Still, I can't help but feel that most of these friendships are predicated on my own marijuana use. I often ask myself if I would still hang out with these people if I didn't smoke marijuana. Truthfully, I have no idea who I'd hang out with if I didn't smoke marijuana.
I feel like this might be because I don't know who I'd be without marijuana.
Oct 22, 2009
cold weather blues
I love smoking in cold weather. There's no better feeling than standing in the middle of the woods, wearing sunglasses in December because the sun reflects off of the thin layer of snow covering the ground, hitting the bowl, passing it and immediately thrusting your hands in your pockets because they're already stiff from the cold.
We'd drive around and waste gas and smoke and be high and listen to music and it was all good, you know? I kept smoking, but I don't have that same feeling that it's all good anymore. Part of me feels like, if I never started smoking, I'd still have that feeling of invincibility. It's the same part of me that thinks that if I quit now, I might be able to get that invincible feeling back.
I believe that I can. It scares me because it won't be easy, but I believe I have the force of will to make it happen. More than that--I don't want to be the person who peaked at age seventeen.
We'd drive around and waste gas and smoke and be high and listen to music and it was all good, you know? I kept smoking, but I don't have that same feeling that it's all good anymore. Part of me feels like, if I never started smoking, I'd still have that feeling of invincibility. It's the same part of me that thinks that if I quit now, I might be able to get that invincible feeling back.
I believe that I can. It scares me because it won't be easy, but I believe I have the force of will to make it happen. More than that--I don't want to be the person who peaked at age seventeen.
the first instance of hypocrisy
Here's what I know, and I'll try to keep it brief. I understand that, as The First Post, this should probably be deep and insightful. If nothing else, let's hope that this isn't The Only Post. I have blogged casually in the past; because I want to be a writer, I will blog professionally in the future.
This is my transitional blog. This is personal, excruciatingly personal, and I think it's fair to say that this blog will define my life.
If you haven't already guessed, this blog will discuss my battle with marijuana addiction. I am told that marijuana is not physically addictive. I intend to research that further; for now, I will concede that my addiction to marijuana may be a result of some greater mental weakness within me. My condition may perhaps be better described as My Love Affair With Marijuana.
I hit my first bowl at the age of fourteen, in October 2003. I smoked on occasion from that point until October 2005, when I bought my first pipe and began smoking with regularity. Smoking became a daily occurrence in March 2007, and the past two and a half years have been a prolonged haze.
This is not my first attempt to quit smoking marijuana. My first attempt came after I received a DUI, in October 2007. That didn't last. My second attempt, in June 2008, is what I consider to be my most serious attempt. I went clean for a drug test. Shortly after peeing clean, I dirtied my urine once more and never looked back. I have tried to quit at various times since then. I've failed every time.
This is the first time I have started a blog about quitting. I'm not convinced that it'll help; honestly, I am high as I'm writing this. I intend to smoke the rest of my stash tonight and quit tomorrow
What I'm hoping to obtain from this blog is a sense of accountability. Before I smoked heavily, I was smart, in-shape and always well-prepared. At this point in my life, I am not. I believe marijuana plays a sognificant part of this. I would like to again concede that the marijuana may be just a symptom of a larger mental problem; if so, I intend to use this blog to find out.
I am a writer, first and foremost. I have used words to tackle my problems since the third grade, and I intend to use this blog to fix the greatest problem I have faced in my life.
"I'm young. I make mistakes. I know that. I try to learn from them and not repeat them. I have a lot to learn, and I'm going to get things wrong. I'm going to let my emotions get the best of me sometimes. I'm going to try to do more than I should. But I'm a good dude. I know when to say, 'My bad, I'm sorry.' I've got work to do, but I'm a good dude. And I love this game. I love playing this game." - Matt Kemp
This is my transitional blog. This is personal, excruciatingly personal, and I think it's fair to say that this blog will define my life.
If you haven't already guessed, this blog will discuss my battle with marijuana addiction. I am told that marijuana is not physically addictive. I intend to research that further; for now, I will concede that my addiction to marijuana may be a result of some greater mental weakness within me. My condition may perhaps be better described as My Love Affair With Marijuana.
I hit my first bowl at the age of fourteen, in October 2003. I smoked on occasion from that point until October 2005, when I bought my first pipe and began smoking with regularity. Smoking became a daily occurrence in March 2007, and the past two and a half years have been a prolonged haze.
This is not my first attempt to quit smoking marijuana. My first attempt came after I received a DUI, in October 2007. That didn't last. My second attempt, in June 2008, is what I consider to be my most serious attempt. I went clean for a drug test. Shortly after peeing clean, I dirtied my urine once more and never looked back. I have tried to quit at various times since then. I've failed every time.
This is the first time I have started a blog about quitting. I'm not convinced that it'll help; honestly, I am high as I'm writing this. I intend to smoke the rest of my stash tonight and quit tomorrow
What I'm hoping to obtain from this blog is a sense of accountability. Before I smoked heavily, I was smart, in-shape and always well-prepared. At this point in my life, I am not. I believe marijuana plays a sognificant part of this. I would like to again concede that the marijuana may be just a symptom of a larger mental problem; if so, I intend to use this blog to find out.
I am a writer, first and foremost. I have used words to tackle my problems since the third grade, and I intend to use this blog to fix the greatest problem I have faced in my life.
"I'm young. I make mistakes. I know that. I try to learn from them and not repeat them. I have a lot to learn, and I'm going to get things wrong. I'm going to let my emotions get the best of me sometimes. I'm going to try to do more than I should. But I'm a good dude. I know when to say, 'My bad, I'm sorry.' I've got work to do, but I'm a good dude. And I love this game. I love playing this game." - Matt Kemp
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