great expectations, greater disappointments

This was supposed to be where I got clean.

I haven't smoked in two days and. . . five hours? Fifty-three hours total? That's good.

I am about to go buy a sack, which means, in turn, I am about to smoke. I am not entirely sure why--the urge struck me in the middle of my 6 p.m. class and got stronger during my 7:30 p.m. class. I made the call as soon as I got out.

The blog was supposed to help me fight those impulses. It has, a little bit. I am fifty-three hours clean, after all.

I wish there was someone I could talk to about this. I usually talk to my mother about my problems. My mother doesn't know I still toke. Well, I take that back. She might know that I toke. We have a don't-ask-don't-tell policy. She hasn't asked and I'm not gonna tell her about it.

I think this goes back to lowneliness. There's a specific girl in my 4:30 p.m. class who I specifically wanted to ask out because I know she's smart and sexy and I could use her help studying for our test on Monday. Never asked. I guess you could say I pussied out--my 'official' excuse is that I didn't isolate her and I didn't want to ask her (and risk rejection) in front of my classmates. My ego's pretty fragile.

Maybe I should go to NA. It'd be someone to talk to about these problems, if nothing else. Right now I'm just a lonely stoner.

"The lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night." - Kid Cudi

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]