lownely

I'm feeling low. It's been about three and a half days since I last smoked, and the feelings I'm having right now are the exact ones I would usually smoke away.

I'm lonely. Why? Well, obviously because I am alone. But, you ask, why are you alone, Greenthumb? That's a much more difficult question to answer.

I've become so accustomed to people walking out of my life that I've stopped making the effort to keep them in my life. I've lost the ability to "close"--to get the necessary items (phone number, twitter name, whatever) to ensure a second rendezvous.

The convention has made me very aware of this. I've met a lot of people here. I've had some great conversations, I've learned things from my peers, and there's been at least half a dozen girls who were into me in one way or another. Yes, that's a fact. You'll have to trust me.

Every conversation ended with a goodbye and nothing else. No contact information of any sort. Not because they refused to give me a number, but because I simply didn't ask. Nice to know you! . . good-bye.

It's terrible. I'm aware. I usually blame my dating history for this otherwise unexplainable inability to close. I fall in love hard and fast. Most men do not. While I've never been able to prove this, I believe that most of the girls I've dated have found themselves put off by this quality. They recoil. They're not used to it and they don't want any part of it.

I used to be an every-night caller. Once I realized that that strategy wasn't working, I started waiting days between phone calls. Fuck 'em. Make 'em wait. I can see now that this is not a good way to get a girlfriend.

The last girl I was seriously interested in--we'll call her Weezy--might have been the perfect fit for me. Cute. Intelligent. Loved hip-hop. Great smile, nice butt, and a shocking amount of overlap in our interests. We even both text message the same way.

We went on one date. I was high. It was on this date that I found out she didn't smoke. We still had fun, but when I thought about calling her the next day. . . I decided to get high, instead. Same story, every day, for a week. Naturally, by the time I finally called her, her interest had waned. I was just a pothead.

I haven't had a serious girlfriend in two years. It's debatable how serious we actually were. I haven't had sex in a year. That sucks. I feel like a virgin again. I want to break the cycle. Thing is. . . every girl I've ever dates has been a toker. In fact, the girl I'm interested in right now is a toker. I don't want another stoned relationship. Those relationships fail.

The conclusion that I've come to is that I shouldn't date--shouldn't even TRY to date--until my addiction to marijuana is in check. It's an easy conclusion to come to when you're convinced that every girl you date will leave you heartbroken.

"If you use the same approach, you will get the same results." - Mystery in "The Game" by Neil Strauss

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