Haven't not been high since Wednesday. Nothing bad has happened but my head feels like a bunch of strings tied in one big knot that I have no idea how to untie. I know I need help.
Restated, for emphasis : I know I need help.
It's a cliche--the first step to getting help is admitting that you need help--but it's worked for so many recovered addicts that I don't know if I can continue to let my pride prevent me from seeking legitimate help.
I look at the girl who's most important to me, and she's also the one with problems most similar to my own. Sometimes she's happy; other times, she's clearly down. She skips work on a regular basis because she finds the thought of being there unbearable. Honestly, I look at her and I don't think she's ever truly happy. In fact, I don't know that she has highs or lows. She's perpetually just. . . eh.
It's frustrating because I know I need to quit. It's plainly obvious that the one thing I haven't figured out is how I'm going to walk away. I don't know how to leave it behind, because it's always there and I've always liked smoking it and, honestly, the process of quitting is going to change my life. Slowly, it's already started.
Nov 16, 2009
Nov 9, 2009
just one of my problems
I'm not high today. First time I can say that in almost a week. I have Dos Equis in the fridge at home, and I intend to drink one or two of those tonight. Yes, this is trading one addiction for another, which means no, it is not technically a solution to my substance abuse problems. I like to believe it's a start.
What I am noticing is this: Solving my marijuana problem is not a magical cure for all which ails me. Not even close. I point this out now because I almost definitely failed another Spanish exam today, which means I almost definitely will have to take Spanish II again. I am going to be twenty-one in two months. Sixteen-year-old me didn't envision twenty-one-year-old me struggling his way through Spanish II. Not even close.
I don't know how much of this can be attributed to ganja use. I've missed maybe ten classes this semester, and would say that at least half of those can be blamed, in part or in full, on marijuana. Why assign blame, though? Blame is just a way of avoiding accountability. I've failed a LOT of classes over the last three years. Every single one of those failures, in part or in full, can be blamed on marijuana.
I want to hit the reset button, move away and start somewhere that I'm not already shoehorned into being a user. Unfortunately, I've already done that twice. You can only hit restart so many times before the system breaks.
I want to give up. I want to accept my shitty stoned existence as a server, and I want to focus all my energy on being good at that. Unfortunately, I already know where that path will lead. I will be miserable.
The problem is, I'm sitting on a CAT bus, talking about the hole I've dug for myself. I'm already pretty fucking miserable. When I got off probation, I claimed it wasn't a celebration--it only meant that I was back to where I started from. Clearly, I was wrong. I started out sober. Until I get sober again, I'll always be running behind.
What I am noticing is this: Solving my marijuana problem is not a magical cure for all which ails me. Not even close. I point this out now because I almost definitely failed another Spanish exam today, which means I almost definitely will have to take Spanish II again. I am going to be twenty-one in two months. Sixteen-year-old me didn't envision twenty-one-year-old me struggling his way through Spanish II. Not even close.
I don't know how much of this can be attributed to ganja use. I've missed maybe ten classes this semester, and would say that at least half of those can be blamed, in part or in full, on marijuana. Why assign blame, though? Blame is just a way of avoiding accountability. I've failed a LOT of classes over the last three years. Every single one of those failures, in part or in full, can be blamed on marijuana.
I want to hit the reset button, move away and start somewhere that I'm not already shoehorned into being a user. Unfortunately, I've already done that twice. You can only hit restart so many times before the system breaks.
I want to give up. I want to accept my shitty stoned existence as a server, and I want to focus all my energy on being good at that. Unfortunately, I already know where that path will lead. I will be miserable.
The problem is, I'm sitting on a CAT bus, talking about the hole I've dug for myself. I'm already pretty fucking miserable. When I got off probation, I claimed it wasn't a celebration--it only meant that I was back to where I started from. Clearly, I was wrong. I started out sober. Until I get sober again, I'll always be running behind.
Nov 5, 2009
sequel to what would have happened
I could be doing homework right now. Marijuana has rendered me completely incapable of doing anything besides watch television and lay down.
I'm trying to enjoy lying down. 30 Rock is mad funny. I'm coming to the realization that I am sickeningly lazy.
I'm trying to enjoy lying down. 30 Rock is mad funny. I'm coming to the realization that I am sickeningly lazy.
what would have happened
I turned to marijuana because I was afraid I couldn't control alcohol.
I am not afraid of alcohol anymore.
Marijuana wastes my time.
Alcohol is a social lubricant. If you can control it, it can be an extremely good use of your time.
Time to start drinking again. That's the key to me quitting marijuana.
(I'm high right now. The countdown begins anew. I think I have a great point here, though. A dude in my Spanish class put the idea in my head last night. He was absolutely right.)
I am not afraid of alcohol anymore.
Marijuana wastes my time.
Alcohol is a social lubricant. If you can control it, it can be an extremely good use of your time.
Time to start drinking again. That's the key to me quitting marijuana.
(I'm high right now. The countdown begins anew. I think I have a great point here, though. A dude in my Spanish class put the idea in my head last night. He was absolutely right.)
Nov 4, 2009
clarification
I'm really not as much of a whiner as this blog might lead you to believe. I swear it.
great expectations, greater disappointments
This was supposed to be where I got clean.
I haven't smoked in two days and. . . five hours? Fifty-three hours total? That's good.
I am about to go buy a sack, which means, in turn, I am about to smoke. I am not entirely sure why--the urge struck me in the middle of my 6 p.m. class and got stronger during my 7:30 p.m. class. I made the call as soon as I got out.
The blog was supposed to help me fight those impulses. It has, a little bit. I am fifty-three hours clean, after all.
I wish there was someone I could talk to about this. I usually talk to my mother about my problems. My mother doesn't know I still toke. Well, I take that back. She might know that I toke. We have a don't-ask-don't-tell policy. She hasn't asked and I'm not gonna tell her about it.
I think this goes back to lowneliness. There's a specific girl in my 4:30 p.m. class who I specifically wanted to ask out because I know she's smart and sexy and I could use her help studying for our test on Monday. Never asked. I guess you could say I pussied out--my 'official' excuse is that I didn't isolate her and I didn't want to ask her (and risk rejection) in front of my classmates. My ego's pretty fragile.
Maybe I should go to NA. It'd be someone to talk to about these problems, if nothing else. Right now I'm just a lonely stoner.
"The lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night." - Kid Cudi
I haven't smoked in two days and. . . five hours? Fifty-three hours total? That's good.
I am about to go buy a sack, which means, in turn, I am about to smoke. I am not entirely sure why--the urge struck me in the middle of my 6 p.m. class and got stronger during my 7:30 p.m. class. I made the call as soon as I got out.
The blog was supposed to help me fight those impulses. It has, a little bit. I am fifty-three hours clean, after all.
I wish there was someone I could talk to about this. I usually talk to my mother about my problems. My mother doesn't know I still toke. Well, I take that back. She might know that I toke. We have a don't-ask-don't-tell policy. She hasn't asked and I'm not gonna tell her about it.
I think this goes back to lowneliness. There's a specific girl in my 4:30 p.m. class who I specifically wanted to ask out because I know she's smart and sexy and I could use her help studying for our test on Monday. Never asked. I guess you could say I pussied out--my 'official' excuse is that I didn't isolate her and I didn't want to ask her (and risk rejection) in front of my classmates. My ego's pretty fragile.
Maybe I should go to NA. It'd be someone to talk to about these problems, if nothing else. Right now I'm just a lonely stoner.
"The lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night." - Kid Cudi
Nov 1, 2009
pu pu platter of my dreams
I eat a lot when I'm high. An unhealthy amount, most likely. Just saying.
home is where the high is
"Someone is looking up to you. Don't let that person down." - Fortune Cookie #1
"People in your surroundings will be more cooperative than usual." - Fortune Cookie #2
I am home and I am high. I ordered Chinese (munchies) and got those two fortune cookies in succession. It's the truth.
I could be great. People want me to be great. I let them down when I'm high, which is why I avoid them. If I'm not high, people will like me more.
It's that simple.
"People in your surroundings will be more cooperative than usual." - Fortune Cookie #2
I am home and I am high. I ordered Chinese (munchies) and got those two fortune cookies in succession. It's the truth.
I could be great. People want me to be great. I let them down when I'm high, which is why I avoid them. If I'm not high, people will like me more.
It's that simple.
Oct 31, 2009
gateway drugs
Marijuana Abstinence Leads to Increased Alcohol Consumption
I started drinking about the same time I started smoking marijuana. The difference between the two, when I first started, was that everyone I knew drank, and nobody I knew toked. So, naturally, I drank. A lot.
I think everybody goes through a phase in their life in which they drink heavily. For some people, that phase only lasts one night; for others, it lasts a lifetime. Myself? I'm still not sure.
I've been practicing controlled drinking lately. No more than one drink in an hour; no more than three drinks in an evening; no more than fourteen drinks in a week. It's worked all right. I haven't exceeded my self-imposed limits in at least a month. In fact, I can't remember the last time I exceeded them. I know it's within the last six months, and I expect it to happen again, but at the moment I feel like I have complete control over my alcohol intake.
I wish there was a way to do the same thing with marijuana. There's no safe amount you can smoke, no recommended daily intake. Under the law, there's not even a grey area. Marijuana is bad. Stay away.
I don't believe that this is true. Not for a second. There's gotta be a scenario in which marijuana is good for you, just like there's situations where chocolate and wine are good for you. I imagine it's like my dad says: "You gotta know when to put the fork down." Except, in this case, it's a bong.
I started drinking about the same time I started smoking marijuana. The difference between the two, when I first started, was that everyone I knew drank, and nobody I knew toked. So, naturally, I drank. A lot.
I think everybody goes through a phase in their life in which they drink heavily. For some people, that phase only lasts one night; for others, it lasts a lifetime. Myself? I'm still not sure.
I've been practicing controlled drinking lately. No more than one drink in an hour; no more than three drinks in an evening; no more than fourteen drinks in a week. It's worked all right. I haven't exceeded my self-imposed limits in at least a month. In fact, I can't remember the last time I exceeded them. I know it's within the last six months, and I expect it to happen again, but at the moment I feel like I have complete control over my alcohol intake.
I wish there was a way to do the same thing with marijuana. There's no safe amount you can smoke, no recommended daily intake. Under the law, there's not even a grey area. Marijuana is bad. Stay away.
I don't believe that this is true. Not for a second. There's gotta be a scenario in which marijuana is good for you, just like there's situations where chocolate and wine are good for you. I imagine it's like my dad says: "You gotta know when to put the fork down." Except, in this case, it's a bong.
lownely
I'm feeling low. It's been about three and a half days since I last smoked, and the feelings I'm having right now are the exact ones I would usually smoke away.
I'm lonely. Why? Well, obviously because I am alone. But, you ask, why are you alone, Greenthumb? That's a much more difficult question to answer.
I've become so accustomed to people walking out of my life that I've stopped making the effort to keep them in my life. I've lost the ability to "close"--to get the necessary items (phone number, twitter name, whatever) to ensure a second rendezvous.
The convention has made me very aware of this. I've met a lot of people here. I've had some great conversations, I've learned things from my peers, and there's been at least half a dozen girls who were into me in one way or another. Yes, that's a fact. You'll have to trust me.
Every conversation ended with a goodbye and nothing else. No contact information of any sort. Not because they refused to give me a number, but because I simply didn't ask. Nice to know you! . . good-bye.
It's terrible. I'm aware. I usually blame my dating history for this otherwise unexplainable inability to close. I fall in love hard and fast. Most men do not. While I've never been able to prove this, I believe that most of the girls I've dated have found themselves put off by this quality. They recoil. They're not used to it and they don't want any part of it.
I used to be an every-night caller. Once I realized that that strategy wasn't working, I started waiting days between phone calls. Fuck 'em. Make 'em wait. I can see now that this is not a good way to get a girlfriend.
The last girl I was seriously interested in--we'll call her Weezy--might have been the perfect fit for me. Cute. Intelligent. Loved hip-hop. Great smile, nice butt, and a shocking amount of overlap in our interests. We even both text message the same way.
We went on one date. I was high. It was on this date that I found out she didn't smoke. We still had fun, but when I thought about calling her the next day. . . I decided to get high, instead. Same story, every day, for a week. Naturally, by the time I finally called her, her interest had waned. I was just a pothead.
I haven't had a serious girlfriend in two years. It's debatable how serious we actually were. I haven't had sex in a year. That sucks. I feel like a virgin again. I want to break the cycle. Thing is. . . every girl I've ever dates has been a toker. In fact, the girl I'm interested in right now is a toker. I don't want another stoned relationship. Those relationships fail.
The conclusion that I've come to is that I shouldn't date--shouldn't even TRY to date--until my addiction to marijuana is in check. It's an easy conclusion to come to when you're convinced that every girl you date will leave you heartbroken.
"If you use the same approach, you will get the same results." - Mystery in "The Game" by Neil Strauss
I'm lonely. Why? Well, obviously because I am alone. But, you ask, why are you alone, Greenthumb? That's a much more difficult question to answer.
I've become so accustomed to people walking out of my life that I've stopped making the effort to keep them in my life. I've lost the ability to "close"--to get the necessary items (phone number, twitter name, whatever) to ensure a second rendezvous.
The convention has made me very aware of this. I've met a lot of people here. I've had some great conversations, I've learned things from my peers, and there's been at least half a dozen girls who were into me in one way or another. Yes, that's a fact. You'll have to trust me.
Every conversation ended with a goodbye and nothing else. No contact information of any sort. Not because they refused to give me a number, but because I simply didn't ask. Nice to know you! . . good-bye.
It's terrible. I'm aware. I usually blame my dating history for this otherwise unexplainable inability to close. I fall in love hard and fast. Most men do not. While I've never been able to prove this, I believe that most of the girls I've dated have found themselves put off by this quality. They recoil. They're not used to it and they don't want any part of it.
I used to be an every-night caller. Once I realized that that strategy wasn't working, I started waiting days between phone calls. Fuck 'em. Make 'em wait. I can see now that this is not a good way to get a girlfriend.
The last girl I was seriously interested in--we'll call her Weezy--might have been the perfect fit for me. Cute. Intelligent. Loved hip-hop. Great smile, nice butt, and a shocking amount of overlap in our interests. We even both text message the same way.
We went on one date. I was high. It was on this date that I found out she didn't smoke. We still had fun, but when I thought about calling her the next day. . . I decided to get high, instead. Same story, every day, for a week. Naturally, by the time I finally called her, her interest had waned. I was just a pothead.
I haven't had a serious girlfriend in two years. It's debatable how serious we actually were. I haven't had sex in a year. That sucks. I feel like a virgin again. I want to break the cycle. Thing is. . . every girl I've ever dates has been a toker. In fact, the girl I'm interested in right now is a toker. I don't want another stoned relationship. Those relationships fail.
The conclusion that I've come to is that I shouldn't date--shouldn't even TRY to date--until my addiction to marijuana is in check. It's an easy conclusion to come to when you're convinced that every girl you date will leave you heartbroken.
"If you use the same approach, you will get the same results." - Mystery in "The Game" by Neil Strauss
success in a vacuum
Homeless dude offered me a joint last night. This is how it broke down:
BUM: Ay man, can I get money fo a beer? It's only a dollar fitty-five.
GTG: Yeah, sure.
BUM: 'Preciate it, man. You want a joint?
GTG: Ah. . . yeah, sure.
Walked with him for about twenty minutes. Never wound up getting the joint. I look at it as a blessing in disguise--on the one hand, good, I didn't smoke a joint. On the other hand, man, I really wanted that joint. Now that I'm talking about it, I'd like a joint right now, and in my heart of hearts I still don't see that desire as a bad thing.
Doc--one of the guys I'm at the convention with--dropped some religion on me last night. He said that our broken self is constantly at war with our better self. My broken self loves marijuana and wants more. My better self wants my broken self to stop being so fucking immature.
Three days clean.
BUM: Ay man, can I get money fo a beer? It's only a dollar fitty-five.
GTG: Yeah, sure.
BUM: 'Preciate it, man. You want a joint?
GTG: Ah. . . yeah, sure.
Walked with him for about twenty minutes. Never wound up getting the joint. I look at it as a blessing in disguise--on the one hand, good, I didn't smoke a joint. On the other hand, man, I really wanted that joint. Now that I'm talking about it, I'd like a joint right now, and in my heart of hearts I still don't see that desire as a bad thing.
Doc--one of the guys I'm at the convention with--dropped some religion on me last night. He said that our broken self is constantly at war with our better self. My broken self loves marijuana and wants more. My better self wants my broken self to stop being so fucking immature.
Three days clean.
Oct 30, 2009
forty-eight hours and running
I haven't smoked since 6:00 a.m. on Wednesday, which, for the more mathematical among us, is more than 48 hours. This is an accomplishment all by itself, but it comes with a catch.
I'm on vacation. Specifically, I'm at a conference.
I'm not on my home field, surrounded by people who are used to Greenthumb Green. Right now, I'm the guy on your basketball team who frustrates you because he doesn't perform well at home.
I feel more at ease right now, definitely. I haven't had much caffeine over the past 48, nor have I found myself being the wallflower I tend to be when I'm blazed. In fact, I've been downright outgoing the last two days.
Granted, it's not a challenge to meet new people at a conference. Conferences are perhaps the easiest place to let go of those things that keep us going at home--television, caffeine, marijuana.
The key is to take the confidence gained at the conference and apply it to your everyday life. It's not easy to change routines unless you get a bit of a head start. I'm flying home Sunday, which means I'll have a four-day head start. I know I'll want to hit the bong as soon as I touch down. I want to stop myself. . . I'm not convinced I'll be able to.
If a female treated me as badly as marijuana did, I'd drop that bitch in a heartbeat.
I'm on vacation. Specifically, I'm at a conference.
I'm not on my home field, surrounded by people who are used to Greenthumb Green. Right now, I'm the guy on your basketball team who frustrates you because he doesn't perform well at home.
I feel more at ease right now, definitely. I haven't had much caffeine over the past 48, nor have I found myself being the wallflower I tend to be when I'm blazed. In fact, I've been downright outgoing the last two days.
Granted, it's not a challenge to meet new people at a conference. Conferences are perhaps the easiest place to let go of those things that keep us going at home--television, caffeine, marijuana.
The key is to take the confidence gained at the conference and apply it to your everyday life. It's not easy to change routines unless you get a bit of a head start. I'm flying home Sunday, which means I'll have a four-day head start. I know I'll want to hit the bong as soon as I touch down. I want to stop myself. . . I'm not convinced I'll be able to.
If a female treated me as badly as marijuana did, I'd drop that bitch in a heartbeat.
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